Rick & Morty: The Tinder Rickolation
by Anima Hunter
Summary: Morty attempts to use the popular dating app Tinder due to never having the time to find a girlfriend on all him and Rick's adventures. Rick reveals some new and harsh information about Jessica and Morty's relationship, which causes Morty to travel to a previously-visited timeline, without the company or permission of Rick, to find Jessica and attempt to undo what Rick messed up.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 ***WHACK***

 ***SMASH***

"What the Hell, Rick!?" Morty exclaimed as he watched his mobile phone fly out his hands and launch itself through the patio doors.

"Morty, that's pathetic even for your normal habit of disappointing me at every given opportunity." Rick said flatly.

"You're using Tinder? Are you fucking _kidding me_ , Morty?" Rick asked with sarcastic and utter annoyance.

Morty jumped up angrily from the sofa, clenching his teeth in obvious frustration.

"W-w-well some of us actually want human intimacy Rick, not all of us hate humanity and want to die alone!" Morty stuttered in defence.

"Alone? Morty, we have the possibility to visit an infinite amount of realities. Do you know how many of those contain chicks deprived enough to fuck you until the friction literally rips your desperate dick away from your body?" Rick asks as if pointing out the obvious.

"W-wait, let me prove this to you ma-*blurp*-thematically so that your needy teenage hormones can understand-" Rick mutters as he begins to walk off to grab his whiteboard.

"Rick, cut it out! H-how about you help me out for once, rather than use logic to prove your point is always more valid than mine?!" Morty snaps with a shaky voice.

"If I'm always on crazy, psychologically breaking adventures, w-when am I supposed to find a girlfriend? I have needs that are surpassing my control, Rick. Like, seriously. I think I'm getting some early stages of arthritis in my right hand–"

"UGH, enough Morty." Rick interrupts in irritated disgust.

"If I wanted to know about the shady bullshit that you and your hand get up to, I'd just take a look through the recordings from the hidden cameras I installed in your bedroom." Rick says whilst pulling out a flask from his jacket and taking a long swig.

"C-Cameras?! W-w-what cameras? Oooh geez-" Morty wines and worriedly grips his hair.

"Yep, Morty. I know everything. I-I won't lie to you, Morty. It's bad. Real bad. This is why I'm never letting you pass me the butter at breakfast. I-I'm actually kind of ashamed to even sit at the same table as you most of the time." Rick stutters whilst shoving the flask back into his jacket. Before Morty can reply, Rick continues to validate his point.

"Tinder is just an online platform for a bunch of horny Morty's trying to get laid. In other words, one piece of shit trying to find another piece of shit." Rick explains curtly.

"W-why even bother trying to explain your painfully generic existence with a cringefest of dead-ass quotes for a profile, an-* _blurp_ *-and then using badly cropped photos with a significantly better-looking ex in them?" Rick rants.

"O-or better yet, using pictures of dogs and CLEARLY rented sports cards to compensate for your lack of personality." Rick rambles angrily. Gritting his teeth, Morty walks through the smashed hole in the patio door and receives his phone. He dusts off any remaining shards off glass and checks his notifications. Rick stares.

"Uh, HELLO? Planet Rick to planet extra chromosome?" Rick presses on.

"You listening to me, Morty? You're literally falling into humanities dumbest trap – a gross mix of loneliness, unsatisfied sexual drive and the undignified feeling of being wanted by someone else." Rick states whilst treading over the shards of glass and closer to Morty.

"I-I'm done with all this shit, Rick. I'm taking a break from these traumatic trips across space for a while. I might even have a chance with Jessica still, so you know, I-I might just focus on that-"

"A break? There _is_ no break from this - from reality - you little shit stain. " Rick interjects.

"This isn't your cliché 9-5 deadend job. Y-you know the one. That one that makes you want to knot your tie to the ceiling fan and put it on full power within the first 2 weeks." Rick bitterly continues.

"You don't _get_ holiday time, and neither do I. The quicker you deal with that, the quicker I can stop pretending to give a flying SHIT about your opinion or perception on practically everything." Rick rambles.

"N-Now, can you stop fingering my ass with your clear lack of compassionate parenting, and get on with the real task at hand here? N-not with your right hand though." Rick states, pulling out his portal gun from his jacket. Morty clenches his fists and holds his posture and dignity as much as he can muster.

"No can do, Rick. You gotta help me with this, or I'm dropping _all_ of this, you included. Use that gun to take me to a reality where me and Jessica end up together, or consider me gone for good." Morty says strictly, with his voice still shaking.

"Y-you know, you're being a _reeeal_ big pain in my ass today, Morty. More than usual. A-and you know what else?" Rick says, putting his portal gun on the sofa and leaning in closer to Morty's face, his voice tone of voice getting darker. Morty stands still.

"In _alllll_ of the conceivable galaxies, and in _alllll_ of the infinite realities, there was only ONE where you and Jessica became conjoined fuck buddies. But guess what?" Rick continued, inching his face closer and closer to Morty, his alcoholic breath making Morty grimace in disgust.

"That one, singular, irreplaceable, reality? That outcomes already been completely and utterly destroyed. For good. By me." Rick stated coldly.

"So suck on that with your new found - yet irresponsibly placed - confidence, before shitting out your mouth to me." Rick spits, starring at Morty straight in the eyes. Morty takes a large step backwards.

"You know, I'm not even surprised you ruined the one best thing that could've happened to me, not at all. You know why, Rick?" Morty asks sharply, turning his body away from Rick in clear frustration.

"I honestly couldn't care less." Rick says effortlessly whilst taking another swig of his flask.

"Y-you're so selfish, Rick! Too Selfish for anyone to want to cope with - you only care about yourself, not anybody else!" Morty exclaims in a hurt and angry tone.

"Well whoopty-fucking-doo, guess I'm not the smartest guy in the universe. Well done for that critical observation Morty, I'm sure many dying civilisations are gonna be grateful for that one." Rick says sarcastically.

"Y-You know what else, MORTY?" Rick mimics.

"I honestly couldn't care less." Morty mimics back, looking away in disinterest and crossing his arms.

"Fine, Suit Your-*blurp*-self. I WAS just gonna say, that in the reality where you and Jessica hook up - well, it was actually the one we kinda ruined. R-Remember that? That corpse of you in the garden?" Rick asks in a mocking tone.

"That's Jessica's boyfriend riigh-*blurp*-hhttt about now. Or, well, it would be, if we hadn't kinda killed him - you. Whatever. Just thought you should know." Rick says flatly, walking out of the room. Morty stands in furious silence as he watches Rick leave. Morty turns around to look through the smashed patio doors, to the grave of himself in the garden. His stomach turns, and his blood boils. Morty then walks back into the house, and see's that a slightly drunk Rick has left the portal gun on the sofa.

Morty had an idea.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"Hey, anal probe number two, have you seen my portal gun?" Rick asks. Summer keeps her eyes glued to her mobile phone and texting whilst sitting on the sofa.

"No grandpa Rick, I've just been – oh wait, you don't care, do you?" Summer asks in a spiteful tone.

"No, not really, but thanks for being self-aware enough to notice my lack of interest in your life. Where's anal probe number one?" Rick asks. Summer shrugs.

"I don't know, why don't you just go and check his room?" Summer spits, texting away on her phone.

"Sure, I'll check his room. B-But first, have you seen this HILARIOUS video of the football team at your school? How many steroids do these guys take?" Rick asks in a humours tone. Summer looks up from her phone.

"Let me see." She asks, and puts her hand out for the ipad.

"Sure sweetie, take a good look." Rick says, passing her the ipad with a video on it. A few seconds pass.

"FUCKING HELL, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK GRAMPA?" Summer screams, throwing the ipad onto the floor in utter disgust and horror.

"That's the kind of morally-crippling shit that happens in your brothers bedroom on a 3 or 4 time daily basis. More in the winter than summer, I guess it's less appealing to get out of bed on those cold winter mornings, I don't know." Ricks shrugs.

"Either way, it's gross and probably contagious in there, so fuck your _amazing_ suggestion of just ' _going in his bedroom_.' Not such an amazing idea now, is it?" Rick asks sarcastically.

"I don't want to inhale any kind of Morty into my perfectly Rick body, Summer. Let's make that clear." Rick says, lifting up pieces of the sofa in search of the portal gun. Summer stands by the patio doors, watching Rick search and keeping distance from the ipad that lays on the floor.

"A-aren't you gonna help grandpa search, or are you just gonna stand there being a literal waste of space and oxygen?" Rick asks in irritation.

"You're such a creep! How many cameras do you have in this house? On this street? Oh my god, have you stashed cameras in between the shelves in my bedroom to spy on me as well?" Summer asks in a paranoid voice. Rick sighs.

"No, summer. There aren't any cameras in your room. As we've already discussed, I have a distinct lack of interest in your life. When was the last time you saw the portal gun?" Summer's face drops a little.

"Y-you don't have any cameras in my room, but you have, what, 6 different angled cameras in Morty's room?" Summer says in a high pitched voice.

"W-What, you want me to install cameras in your room too to satisfy your jealousy for which grandkid I hate the most, a-and record the psycho-circus of shit that I presume that goes on in there as well?" Rick asks, becoming more frustrated by the second.

"I think one pile of genetic disappointment is enough, but thanks for the offer." Rick says, throwing pillows around the room. Summer storms out, slamming the living room door behind her.

"Geez, I guess she prefers hidden cameras over hidden robots. Note to self." Rick mumbles to himself, getting on his knees and looking under the sofa. Rick suddenly sits up, and looks at an ornament in the room. The tiny camera stares back.

"Got it." Rick says, walking to the garage. He quickly sits down and types in the appropriate keys that bring up the camera recordings around the house. Rick skips backwards on the video recordings, until he see's an image of himself holding the portal gun whilst talking to Morty during their conversation earlier. Rick continues to watch, until he see's put the portal gun down on the sofa.

"What the…where the hell did it go? Morty, you better have not touched it with your sponged-sperm hands." Rick grunts to himself. He continues to watch. He see's himself walk out of the room, and then watches a distressed and angry looking Morty stare out the patio doors for a few seconds. Rick then see's Morty look at the portal gun, and pick it up. Morty changes the dial on the gun, shoots a portal, and walks in. The portal closes behind him.

"FUCK. MORTY, YOU DUMB TURD." Rick yells, standing up harshly from the desk. He throws open his drawer, and rummages through it until a small green and white device is found. The oblong object lights up, a beeping noise occurring.

"YES, IT'S BEEPING! Man, I gotta put a lock on that damn portal gun." Rick says, quickly running towards the living room. The beeping sound of the device gets faster, until Rick has reached the area where Morty teleported. The beeping gets extremely loud, and Rick turns it off.

"Seems like there's still some portal residue left. If I can absorb enough of it into this substance device, and then electrify those atoms with my time-lapse manipulator, I SHOULD be able to expand the particles to re-create that exact portal that Morty used. Then I'll find him, and make him pay for this utter waste of my fucking time." Rick says, as he starts to absorb the atoms with his substance device. Once collected, Rick heads back to the garage.

After about 10 minutes of being in the garage, Rick comes back out and stands in the living room. He holds the substance device towards the air where the portal was before. He presses a button, and a flow of green portal shoots out the device. A small, weak-looking portal opens up, and already starts to shrink from the sides.

"Well, better get this shit over with." Rick sighs, jumping through the portal before it evaporates into nothingness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Rick cautiously peaks from behind a bunch of bushes outside of Morty's highschool. He carefully surveys the area, until he see's a familiar figure walking towards him. Rick prepares to make a move.

Morty, feeling nervous yet enthusiastic, walks towards the school entrance. This is it. Him and Jessica could be together like they were meant to be in this world – before Rick came along and destroyed that chance. Suddenly, Morty feels a grip on his wrist and and pulled sharply into a bush.

"Hello, MORTY." Rick says, in a clearly angry tone. Morty tries to break his wrist free, but Rick holds firm.

"Thought It wouldn't take you long to get here. L-look, Do me a favour, I know you're mad, but just give me 20 minutes to go talk to Jessica. I know you won't let me stay, and I know I shouldn't of taken the portal gun. B-but just give me 20 minutes to ask her out so I can see what she says." Morty says, his voice calm and persuasive. Rick ignores him.

"Do YOU a favour? Morty, do you realise how much shit you've caused, just so you can re-live some pathetic teenage crush? We're dead here, Morty. Judging by the date on that clock, we've been dead about 3 months now. Are you really just going to stroll into school, expect nobody to react, and just ask Jessica to have sex with you in an – ambitious, I might add – 20 minutes?" Rick asks quickly and quietly so nobody else will hear them. Morty tries again to fidget free out of the grasp, to no success.

"I don't know, I-I was just gonna say it was some misunderstanding, I went on holiday-"

"MORTY. Do you not remember anything about the timelines I taught you? We can't go existing in worlds where we shouldn't be alive. Nobody can see us, you understand? It'll change the timeline, which will have most likely disastrous and deadly domino effects on all other timelines. You want that, Morty? You want to endanger every single person, and every single version of them, just because you can't control your fucking hormones?" Rick asks sternly. Morty looks down in silence for a short while.

"I guess not, Rick. As usual, you're right and I'm wrong. Whatever. Let's just go home." Morty says in a defeated tone, looking disappointingly at the floor. Rick rolls his eyes and sighs.

"I'll see what I can do after we get back to our timeline, if your hornyness is gonna keep getting in my way and throwing explosive diarrhoea over my plans, we're gonna have to just find a solution that defies all natural human urges, I guess."

"You mean, y-you're gonna help me? Maybe to get with Jessica in our own world?" Morty asks in a high pitched and hopeful voice.

"Shh! We can't be seen, OR heard, you understand? Do as I say, and shut up." Rick says. Morty smiles, and nods. Rick beckons Morty to follow him. The two make their way towards the house, hiding behind any object they can find to avoid detection. It takes a while, but they make it.

"Now, you have the portal gun right?" Rick whispers, as the two hide behind a wall looking at the house. Morty nods and Rick rummages Morty's pockets until he finds it.

"Okay, we need to open the portal in the exact same spot we both came from, without being seen by anyone in your house." Rick explains, his eyes exploring the outside of the house for the best entrance.

"W-why couldn't we just open the portal back at school and go back to our reality straight away? O-or you know, we could have even teleported here and not had to sneak all the way back from school. Seems kinda pointless, you know?" Morty asks in a confused tone.

"Everything is pointless, MORTY. Besides, because of SOMEONE taking my portal gun, we can't just teleport anywhere. I had to teleport here using some leftovers from the portal that you used – in other words, we split the teleportation void into 2 separate halves." Rick says factually.

"To join those two halves together, we have to open them in the exact same spot. Otherwise, we can go to any other reality, EXCEPT the one we need to return to. That void is broken until we fix it ourselves." Rick explains, switching the dial on the portal gun in preparation. Rick gets up and runs towards the house, with Morty running beside him. They both manage to climb into the garden.

Morty looks over at the graves in which himself and Rick have been relatively freshly buried. He looks away, upset at the thought of the life he lost here and the memory of it happening.

The two make their way towards the patio doors, and see nobody is in. They slide the doors open, and stand in the living room.

"We did it, Morty! Now let's get back before-" Rick stops talking and pauses, and Morty directs his eyes to where Rick is looking.

"Granpda?...Morty?" Says Summer, her voice shaking, and her face crippled in pain and confusion. She stands in the doorway, and her watery eyes stay glued on the two boys.

"Ohhhh, shit." Rick says, reaching for his alcoholic flask and taking a long, long drink.


End file.
